[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
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today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.