just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
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Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis