I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
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freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo