People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
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Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.