The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
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Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
My purse is deeper than some people.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.