angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building