…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
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FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
What personal space?
My dog
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.