After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
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I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.