Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
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Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Plant care tips
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.