Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
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I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I need to update my racial profile.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.