“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
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When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.