I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
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Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Intelligence is the new cleavage
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
set yourself free xox
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
forgive me baja for i have blast
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.