Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
You Might Also Like
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer