Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
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me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Name this drama.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?