Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
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He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
technically true but not a great slogan
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.