It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
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men what’s stopping you from looking like this
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Mornin
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see