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My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos