My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
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My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.