I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
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[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger