a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
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I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.