Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress