My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
You Might Also Like
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
john wicks are toilet candles
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do