The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
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Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
The human personality is made of five key elements
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*