Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
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I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
S O O N