“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
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This took me a second..
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up