No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
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My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I’m not proud
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.