Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
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“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Do not levitate over flowers
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.