Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
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My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.