[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
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scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.