WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
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Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Vodka burrito was a success
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Never be a pizza!
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning