the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
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It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.