My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
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How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
im 7 sauces long
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin