Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
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It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
3% human
97% stress
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Terribly Tuesday.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
tell em, edith-anne
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
me
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Livid.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox