ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
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Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Miscakes
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.