1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan