We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
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Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”