First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
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Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
my retirement plan is braless
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX