You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
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Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW