The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
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date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”