You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
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At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched