Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
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Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.