You Might Also Like
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
58.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
my first dose meeting my second
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.