I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
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If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.