Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
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satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
The three genders.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Snapes on a plane.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.