Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
You Might Also Like
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
the battle rages on
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please