Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
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Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I will never stop laughing at this
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.