Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
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The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Rt to bother an English speaker
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.