I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
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Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
My plans: 2020:
When you’re Kinky but poor
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.