boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
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I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.