When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
a god among men
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Its a hippotatomus
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.